


The Jedhan Hero

by bodhirookandor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, References to Depression, This Is Sad, ah canon, apparently im incapable of calming the hell down, bodhi's sad, im sad, what a terribly wonderful thing it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 12:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10616631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodhirookandor/pseuds/bodhirookandor
Summary: He falls; down and down the rabbit hole until he sees nothing around him. It hurts. It hurts. But he picks himself up and keeps going. Like he's trained himself to do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad. Reference to depression and self harm. Bodhi's so sad and angry and I tried to explore that here in a much more understated way than my other fics. this also follows the events of Rogue One, although I tweaked some things here and there.

_You’re either with us or you’re not. Which is it Mr. Rook?_

He’s quiet. He’s always quiet. His body’s burning like molten lava and his heart bleeds within his chest. Hands rise, trembling and weak, and his soul screams-cut off from the rest of him. 

He’s quiet. It’s always quiet. 

Bodhi breathes in the overly clean air and feels a piece of him wither and die-but hasn’t it already been dead? Is he dead? Why isn’t he?

He breathes.

* * *

_He sits alone, heart hammering in his chest and his lips curled into a sneer. Eyes half shut, but wide open like they’ve always been. He spits and blood splatters the floor._

* * *

Days bleed into one another and Bodhi works; keeps his head down and does what he needs to do. A part of him is lost to the ether, the rest gobbled up by the Empire. He wonders how much of him is left.

Who is he?

He breathes.

* * *

_They laugh, eyes wide open and teeth gleaming in the cold sun. Bodhi says nothing, his sister standing next to him, still in a way that makes his soul burn. The man’s chuckles again, the sound is oily, slick and nausea inducing._

_“Join the Empire,” he says, smile still intact but eyes are empty, so so empty, “and you won’t starve.”  
_

* * *

He hates. He _hates_ and _he hates_ but he wonders if it’s even worth it. His body is so heavy and he wonders if it’d be okay if he just laid down and never rose. Would it be okay if he just laid here and ceased to exist?

* * *

_Their eyes are so cold. The air is so cold. Asha screams and Bodhi’s choice is made._

* * *

His mother tells stories (or she used to, Bodh’s not sure what she does now-is she alive?). She weaves tales of fortune, of sorrow, of anger and triumph. She breathes passion into the stories, whispers her hopes and her fears into her words and 5 years later Bodhi finds himself understanding. 

He looks in the mirror and Bodhi sees nothing staring back at him but cold eyes. He shuts them and turns away.

It’s quiet, like always.

* * *

_They burn down the Temple. Bodhi can hear his mother crying, can feel the entire house shake with the force of her sobs. Asha is a vibrating ball of rage, words acidic and destructive as she curses next to him. The day is dark-a rarity for Jedah. He wonders if it’s always been this way._

_He whispers a prayer, lets it wrap around him like a scarf and goes to hug his mother. No one says anything for three days._

* * *

Galen Erso speaks, but all Bodhi can hear are lies. Pretty words wrapped around the ugly truth. Bodhi knows-he always knows. But he listens anyway, lets himself get swept away. At least for a little while. It’s okay to wander away from reality right? It’s okay to get swept in fantasy if reality is so terrible to bare?

Galen Erso speaks and Bodhi learns the truth. He hates him for it.

* * *

_His mother tells him stories. Of heroes and faith, of the Force and the terribly great things you can do with it. She tells him that power is dangerous and that it tempts, oh God it tempts._

_“Have faith, Bodhi,” she whispers, words warm and soft like they used to be before the Empire, “have faith in the Force, in your family, in yourself.” Bodhi nods but he doesn’t tell her the truth._

He doesn’t believe in himself; never has and never will. Every thing he does tastes like acid and he hates. He _hates_. 

Galen Erso hands him a device and Bodhi takes it, heart heavy and his soul whispering his doubts.

He doubts. He _doubts_. And then he breathes.

* * *

_They go to the Temple every Friday, dressed in their nicest clothes. Mom always brings something; food, a blanket. Says it’s best to give back whenever they can. Bodhi thinks she just likes to give away all their stuff. He doesn’t say anything though, lets her have this one thing._

_Until it’s taken away._

The memories ripple across him, sliding down and trickling into the drain through his blood. Bodhi loses so much, has always lost so much. He cries but the monster doesn’t care. No one ever does.

* * *

_His mom smiles at him, mouth wobbling and eyes filled with tears. Bodhi wants to say something. But he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he? She goes in for a hug and it’s tight-warm like a nebula and safe like a soft blanket in the middle of the night. It fills his lungs, and his heart weeps but still he doesn’t say anything._

_He twists away from her, turns and walks into his future, his hands trembling even as his head stays up and his eyes burn with fury._

_They tattoo the imperial logo on his arm and Bodhi spends hours trying to rip it off his skin. The scars live with him._

* * *

He breathes in that cell and feels time slipping away from him; feels it sliding in every direction. Memories clash with emotions, a tidal wave that drowns him. He falls. He always falls. 

_I’m the pilot_. _I’m the pilot_.

He swims to the top of the ocean, runs out into sunlight and sees his entire world collapses into itself.

* * *

_Asha sings, the melody switching between her various moods. It used to be mostly upbeat-happy and hopeful, silly and youthful. Now it’s harsh, like the late night winds, and cold like the frosted air. It’s sad, gripping and so painful that it yanks on your sternum and demands attention._

_She sings and each note slaps him in the face._

_Until she stops. And Bodhi finds himself wishing for those notes again._

_I’m the pilot. I defected. I wanted-_

He says nothing, his words stuck behind a clogged throat and empty eyes. The air is heavy, filled to the brim with emotion but he doesn’t care. A piece of him screams, but he can barely hear it-can barely hear anything beyond his sister’s singing and his mom’s stories.

* * *

_His anger brings him relief, his sorrow even more so. There are days, hidden behind the relative safety of darkness, where Bodhi lets himself sink into these emotions, let’s himself feel something more than numb._

_He’s human. His name is Bodhi Rook and he’s alive._

_He tells himself that everyday, carves it into his thigh and he breathes._

* * *

The rain slides down his weakened frame but Bodhi barely feels it. He speaks the entire way up the mountain on Eadu, feels a part of him opening up to the man next to him. He introduces himself as Cassian and Bodhi nods and latches onto the name with a sort of enthusiasm that surprises him.

Maybe it’s because Cassian listens? Maybe it’s because he’s the only one that saw Bodhi in that cell and believed him? 

Maybes slide around in his brain, too many suggestions, too many thoughts and Bodhi can feel himself getting overwhelmed. 

He trips, the only thing stopping him from tumbling to his death is the restraining hand on his back. Bodhi looks up at Cassian and shrugs. 

They walk up the mountain and Bodhi pretends the concern he’d seen in the man’s brown eyes is meant for him. 

* * *

_He loves the rain. Sits outside his house for as long as he is able and watches as the sky opens and water covers the earth. His moms hates storms, hates when the sky and the earth meet. She says it’s an omen, a sign something bad is going to happen. Bodhi doesn’t believe her._

_An Imperial officer knocks on their door the next day and rips his father away from them._

* * *

“Go down to K2,” Cassian snarls, hackles raised but his eyes are sad, so very sad, “I’m taking a look, you head down. I’ll be right behind you.” He turns away from him and lays back down on the wet dirt. Bodhi wants to say something, wants to say anything that’ll alleviate the bone deep exhaustion and sadness that permeates Cassian’s form.

He turns around and walks away, not a word leaving his lips.

* * *

Galen Erso dies, not by Cassian’s hand, but through blaster fire and his daughter by his side. Bodhi tries not to feel jealous, tries not to feel his heart burn with self revulsion. He feels it anyway and looks away in shame.

Is it terrible that all he wants is to be back in his mom’s arms and listen to her recite a story like she used to?

His fingers tremble around his goggles-the last thing she’d ever given him- and Bodhi swallows down the bile in his throat. 

He shuts his eyes and breathes.

* * *

_He loves space. Some nights, when the sky is clear of all the clouds, Bodhi climbs up to his roof and stares up at the twinkling stars and smatterings of planets above him. His chest warms and he places a hand on it, making a silent promise to explore them one day._

_Bodhi Rook, space adventurer; brave and kind explorer of the Galaxies._

* * *

He says nothing as Jyn hisses words too personal and raw for all of them to hear. Her breath hitches, words dying around her throat, but she still forces them out through sheer force of will.

“You’re nothing more than a stormtrooper.” And he flinches as though he’d been slapped. Even though the words are not directed at him. The scarred tattoo on his arms burns and Bodhi resists the urge to scratch it.

He says nothing. No one says anything as Cassian defends himself. It’s quiet as the captain leaves. Bodhi closes his eyes.

It’s always quiet.

* * *

They land on Yavin 4 and Bodhi follows Jyn to deliver his piece. A part of him wonders if it’d be okay then to leave afterwards. To give the Republic what they want and go. He deserves it doesn’t he? Doesn’t he deserve to live now that he’s done what he’s needed to do?

He’s frozen, limbs icy and breaths harsh and unforgiving like the cold merciless winds of Jedha. Bodhi doesn’t think anything of it, doesn’t think about the thawing in his fingertips or the unfurling of his anger within his chest.

* * *

_His mom patches up the scrapes and cuts that litter his face and arms. Placing ice on his bruised knuckles, she clucks her tongue and raises an eyebrow at his challenging stare._

_“You should’ve seen the other guys,” Bodhi tells her, chin tilted up, his broken nose obvious. His mom chuckles and continues patching him up._

_“What are we going to do with you, Bodhi Rook? You have too much Jedha in you.”  
_

* * *

Jyn speaks, but after 6 minutes it’s clear they’re not moved by her proposal. Bodhi says nothing, even as his fingers curl into his fist and anger licks at his chest like a slowly burning flame. He stays quiet, eyes flickering from person to person as the counsel attempts to chide Jyn for her beliefs. 

“And who are we to trust? A criminal and an _Imperial Cargo Pilot_?” One of them sneers and Bodhi feels a smile spread across his face. It’s off, showing too much teeth and conveying too much anger to be overly friendly. Clasping a hand onto Jyn’s shoulder, Bodhi moves forward, smile still on his face.

“This _defected_ imperial pilot brought you news of significant importance. Many people have died so that this information could reach you, and yet at the slightest inconvenience you push it away because the people giving you the message aren’t what you wanted them to be?” Bodhi pauses, feels his rage thawing the rest of him out, feels it burning inside of him, hot and so familiar, it aches.

He _hates so much_.

“Jedhans died because of this. To deny its existence is to deny the people of Jedha. But you’ve been doing that for a while now haven’t you?” No one looks him in the eye and Bodhi feels vicious satisfaction course through him. “The Planet Killer is real. And who’s to say that the next planet destroyed won’t be one that you have a vested interest in.” They’re quiet for a beat. Two. And Bodhi lets himself breath, lets a piece of him grieve for his home before he locks it all back down.

“What do you propose?” Someone asks. Bodhi tilts his head and answers like any Jedhan would.

“We fight.”

* * *

_He waits for Asha to say something, waits for the inevitable scream of rage. Holding the imperial flight suit in his hands, he waits and he waits and he waits. But she says nothing. Looking up, Bodhi catches her eyes and sees the defeat hidden behind her brown orbs. A piece of him withers and falls into the sand._

_She says nothing, merely turns away and that’s all the answer Bodhi needs._

* * *

They have no official backing, but they head to Scarif anyway and Bodhi bluffs his way into the planet. Turning his head, Bodhi attempts to commit all of the crew members to memory. It’s difficult but Bodhi refuses to forget their names, refuses to have them be lost within the confides of a holovid. Cassian signals their mission start and Bodhi does his job.

* * *

_Asha disappears the day he’s meant to join the Empire. She leaves a note on the kitchen counter, hastily scribbled with crossed out words and misspellings. Bodhi says nothing, even as his mother sucks in her tears and grips the letter in her hands. He says nothing, just covers his face in his hands and weeps._

* * *

So many of them fall, cut down by blaster fire and grenades. Bodhi works to keep the channel clear, even as his fingers shake and his breath comes in short pants. His fear is palpable, a near constant ache against his back, but he pushes it away, ignores it like he’s been doing his entire life. Tonc is the last to fall and Bodhi tries to breathe in his grief. Like he always does.

* * *

_It’s quiet. It’s always so quiet. Bodhi touches the white walls that surround him and feels his sense of self slither into the deep recesses of space. He’s alone. He’s always alone._

* * *

The connection goes up. A moment of triumph fills him, comfortably warm and smug around his chest. A laugh escapes him, loud, unrestrained, and somewhat hysterical, as the person on the other end confirmed their signal. It feels…good, complete, until it isn’t anymore.

A grenade rolls into the ship. Bodhi jumps and his world goes dark.

* * *

_He grins up at the night sky, missing teeth prominent. Turning to look up at his mother, Bodhi raises a hand to the air and laughs, bright and unrestrained like a child should._

_“When I grow up, I wanna explore the universe! I can do that right?” He turns to look at his mother, large brown eyes look into similarly deep brown orbs. His mother smiles softly, glancing up at the clear sky before turning back to her son.  
_

_“You can do whatever you put your mind to, Bodhi. Believe in yourself, in the Force, and you’ll accomplish a great deal.”  
_

* * *

“His name was Bodhi. Bodhi Rook. And he was one of the bravest men I ever knew.” Cassian Andor says, his voice soft and pained in a way that feels too intimate to be shared with him. Finn looks down at his hands and says nothing, his own emotions too chaotic to understand. Cassian leaves soon after and Finn’s left by himself again-or rather, not really.

“How come he can’t see you?” Finn asks the man in front of him. Bodhi raises a transparent shoulder, the action doing little to alleviate Finn’s growing frustration and intrigue.

“It has something to do with your sensitivity to the Force I guess. Chirrut’s got a better explanation to this, but he’s out helping someone else and I get the pleasure of talking to you.” His grin is warm, even as his eyes scream a sadness and exhaustion so deep, Finn can feel himself worrying.

“Now,” Bodhi begins, the ice behind his eyes thawing, and his grin growing larger, “let’s talk, one defector to another.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Afterlife](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10747395) by [misskatieleigh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh)




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